The day my dad died

(Full Disclosure: This is not a happy post and I do not apologize for its contents. In fact I don’t care if no one reads it but for me it helped to write it.)

The pain started in the hip. I thought that i just strained my hip with all the running I was doing. My lower pain was starting to regularly throb but to me it was simply again strain from all the running. I ran 8 miles on Saturday and my goal was 12. Already I shaved off 20 lbs and I passionate about purging another 20. The hip burned though over and over. I gave it a good week to two weeks of rest but it seemed to just persist. Annoying pain goes away right?

The fast metabolism diet guarantees results in 28 days. Hey it is only giving up all the foods I love, how hard can it be? … one week later… SUGAR! Ouch my head hurts as well as my hip. Am I out to torture myself or do I just enjoy different levels of pain? The headache subsided after a week but the hip pain got worse after the Saturday yoga. All I was trying to do was follow what Miss. Jessica said about extending your leg and stretching it with a towel. Pop and then there is a shooting pain down my leg. I swear I didn’t stretch it that far! Now all I seem to feel is the numbness in my calf and foot, the prickly pain in my hip and hamstring, and am ominous feeling something is not right.

I stand in the exam room. All I do now is stand. Sitting only lasts for about 5 minutes and then the numbness and pain overwhelm me. Sitting is just for those people who want to relax and have fun… who needs that? How ironic to have this paradox of pain and numbness at the same time. It’s like sitting puts my whole left leg to sleep while simultaneously hitting me with the intense pain of a hot poker throwing a dozen nails into my thigh. Driving is a test of will. Honestly most days I am really unfit to drive but I don’t tell Shannon that. I can’t let her know how much the pain is a maddening nagging volcano about to erupt with every little bump in the concrete (Seriously what the hell is wrong with Dallas streets? Can we have a smooth ride anywhere on a two, four or eight lane road?). The pain doctor informs me I require shots into my spine. After the general shock of a 2 inch needle into my central nervous system wears off I say, “that sounds like a good idea.” The pain is worse than the thought of the needle. Besides they will knock me out every time, so I just get to dream of the needle instead of experiencing it. Oh I forgot to mention he wants to give me 3 shots every two weeks. And an added bonus is that the morning I come in I will need to have no medication in my system. We need the patients to experience the full level of there pain before they are injected in their back … apparently. How can I complain the shots are my main hope. I mean I don’t want back surgery like my dad. I mean he hated his fusion.

The nausea is not the worst thing it is the shooting pain down my left side that is driving me mad. Two months and nothing has gotten better. Three torturous car rides with ever small bump or jar in the car like an electric taser to my spine. I wept openly in the car and upset my wife. I felt the physical pain but she felt the emotional pain with me. Two months later and I stand in the very exam room where the doctor gave me hope. The only difference is the nausea I feel with the drugs they have me on. I stand like a zombie pretending to be a healthy person. I look real but no one is buying the con. The doctor looks me in the eyes and says, “your best bet is surgery.” How …. why? … what? The pit of my stomach swells with butterflies, worms or anything else that makes you want to vomit and cry at the same time. Surgery!? is this the end of a normal life? I am only 32. “No, it is not a fusion. You just need some of your disk removed so it does not push on your sciatic nerve anymore.” The surgeon says. Oh … just that. “You will have a better quality of life.”

How I hope his hope he is giving me is real. I mean I have been burned before doc. I look him in the eyes searching for truth. All I get in return is blank expression. No affirmation or denial just blank optimism. We schedule the surgery for the upcoming Tuesday. It is Thursday September 4th, 2014.

The traffic down the Dallas Tollway access road is still horrible at 6 pm. I spent the last two hours getting tests after they scheduled my surgery. A lot of poking prodding and peeing in cups. When I am bored in traffic I tend to call someone on the phone. My mother is a good default because I get the points for thinking of her and I have someone to talk to about my positives and negatives in life. Dad sometimes answers which can be fun as well because I can talk to him about our three save subjects; Money, exercising and lawn care. I enjoy those because it takes my mind off my own troubles for a spell. Mom answers, “Hello son.”

“Hi mom”

“How’s it going?”

“Well I am having surgery”

“Really, … Well I am glad. Maybe it will finally get you relief. What day they doing it?”

“This Tuesday. We were able to slip in early with this surgeon which is pretty lucky. What is going on with you guys?”

“Your Dad’s still sick. I took him to the doctor today and he was doing so much better that they sent us home with some antibiotics, but now he is much worse. As I am talking to you he is holding the wall to get to the bathroom. His fever is back. But don’t worry I am keeping an eye on him. If anything seems wrong I will take him to the ER.”

“Ok well I am sorry he is so sick. I really hope he feels better. I love you and I am going to go.”

“Ok love you too. I will keep you up to date about your dad.”

“Thanks, bye”

(3 hours later)

“Hey Rob, how’s it going?”

“I guess mom hasn’t called you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Mom called an ambulance because dad couldn’t even get out of bed. She said something about his breathing.”

“… ummm … you with her now.”

“No I am driving to meet them at the hospital. I will call you back when I know more.”

“ok thanks”

“Bye”

I awoke to a text from my brother, “Dad just coded.” I still see those words sometimes when I close my eyes. He died a little over a hour later. 900 miles, 12 hours, and an hour time difference away from me. My brother tells me he was glad I didn’t seem what he went through in the hospital as he could breath. The doctors and nurses having to strap an oxygen mask as he pulled off everyone they tried gasping for air and shivering. I don’t know if my brother or I are the luck one. He was there… I was not. I find that my mind likes to make up the scene for me in my dreams. Who knows if it is accurate. When I heard the news from my brother crying on the other end of the phone sure I wept bitterly but I did not mourn. What I discovered is mourning comes later. Mourning comes when a memory flashes in your face and you realize you can’t experience that time with them again. Mourning comes when you get in your car to drive home from work and realize you can’t call them again. There voice is but a memory. Mourning is having tears fall down your face as you swear that you will never forget them as the details of their face begin to fade in your mind.

People ask me how I am doing and how my mom is doing. They all love and care for my family so I appreciate their questions but honestly I can’t truly answer them. Mourning someone who use to read you Garfield when you had a bad dream is a process that is long term. Some days I am find and some days I don’t understand why he won’t meet my kids. My father was not a great man or a famous man or even a huge influencer in our little world but he influenced me. And I am all the better for it.

I got the surgery and feel much better. I hope for a full recovery but my physical pain seems to mimic my emotional pain. It creeps up to remind me of what I lost and how much it meant to me.

Peak Physical Performance

                The other day I got into a discussion with some friends on what age a man hits his physical peak.  What this means is at what age, if a man worked out obsessively, would he hit his peak physical performance. They argued that it is 23, meaning after 23 years old you will not be able to achieve the same kind of gain physically as you did at 23.  I wonder where this information comes from because a few days later I got into the same discussion with a different set of guy friends and they argued late 20’s to early 30’s reference sports players who get better with age. Regardless of when this peak age is it made me think of how we develop day to day.

                What you do today affects every progressive day of your life. The saying “live for today” does not really work here, because I do not reap the benefits of what I do today.  All the benefits of today are for tomorrow. I react to my own life as a rook on a chessboard only moves forward, backward, and side to side. I don’t see all the importance of how I affect my future I just react to what is right in front of me. Day to day life is about the next hurdle with mental thoughts of “I will get to that later in life” or “once I make enough money I will have time for that.” The idea of living is not just about dealing with the moment but what is driving you in that moment. Do I just live for myself or am I living for something more?

The Friendly Neighborhood Puritan

“Propounder and defender of a creed, logic-tight in theory, of predestination, foreordination, and an inescapable saving or damning of his soul, no one in practice has ever insisted more emphatically than the New England Puritan on the complete responsibility of every individual.  Scorner of dishonesty but famous for sharp trading; grasping and acquisitive yet the first to give freely to a worthy cause; inhumanly cruel to the savages yet often laboring with patience to bring them to the light; making fortunes from rum yet the first to advocate temperance; slave trader and missionary; smuggler and saint; often lustful, drunken, avaricious, and bloodstained, but oftener self-denying, peaceable, and full of good works; human in his weakness, almost superhuman in his strength, the Yankee Puritan in his first two centuries was a man whose like has rarely moved between earth and heaven.”

Edmund W. Sinnott, Meeting House & Church in Early New England, (New York: McGraw-Hill Book Company,     Inc. 1963) 12-3.

This is kind of a long quote, in fact if you, the reader, actually read the whole thing I am pretty impressed. This is a quote from a book about Puritan meetinghouses.  The author is describing the mentality of a standard Puritan.  I read this and my first thoughts were about the inherit evil of man. I mean, look at the Puritans they structured their whole life around trying to follow the bible in a strict pattern.  They would go to church over 5 times a week and organize their whole town government around the church.  Their hope was that they would be the new Israelites.  They saw the boat ride over from the old world as a crossing the Jordan into the land of milk and honey.  Just because you have a community full of people who love the bible and believe in Jesus Christ as their savor does not mean life is perfect.  The Puritans produced a lot of good for the Kingdom but they also produced a lot of evil. They produced their own particular brand of hypocrisy. They had problems with lust, greed, pride, hate, and idolatry just like we do today. How is it that one of America’s best example of a people group trying so hard to follow the rules of the Bible mess up so much? The Puritans just like us deal with a heart that is pulled more towards evil than good.  I know that most people hate hearing that.  They like to quote all these acts of kindness towards people in 3rd world countries or other social acts. But the reality is acts of kindness are not in our natural nature.  We rebel before obey.  That is why a savior is so important. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday when we remember the resurrection of Christ.  The Son of God who died for our sins and wipes all our sins/rebellion/shame away. I read the quote above and it reminds me how much I want to change myself on my own good ability.  But this quote also shows me that I can’t.  Every rule or life change or barrier I put up will not help me past the realization that Christ has set me free. Legalism will not take care of the sin. It will just give me an action to make me feel like I am taking care of my own problem.
I had to take a few moments to reflect on this quote especially since it is relevant to this weekend.  Also I have to do anything to avoid the paper I am doing.  Happy Easter to all!

Updates … upgrades … upstairs

Yesterday I started writing blogs again.  I do not know how consistant I will be but at least I am attempting to put down some thoughts again.  Since it has been over 6 months since I wrote anything I decided to upgrade how my blog looks.  I need to do more work to it but for right now this is nice.

It is funny to me that whenever your doing well your moving up.  You get promoted  your “moving up in the world.” You get a new computer “you have upgraded.” You write on facebook “you have updated your status.”  All that is positive seems to be an upwards motion. If this is the case my blog does none of this.  As I look through so many of my previous blogs it just seems to be a stream of consciousness.  I am not complaining because I self proclaimed that this was my intention.  So I wouldn’t call this an update to my life but more a random thought as people ask me to update my blog. One would hope that in the future I come up with more to say… or at least something more interesting.

My cake and eat it too…

 

Well I have been told I have not blogged in a while, which is true.  I thought I would talk about my big accomplishment this weekend.  I made a cake from scratch. My girlfriend was having a birthday and asked for a Texas Sheet Cake (still don’t know why it is called that). My mother has a recipe that I have seen her make many times so I decided to tackle the task. I don’t bake often because of time and honestly I don’t need to be known as the man who bakes all the time. I am a creative guy so cooking is fun to me.  It is something I can build with my hands and enjoy the results when it is finished. Another thing is I enjoy the fact that cooking is messy.  I know my mom would kill me if she saw how messy I am but to me it is part of the fun. I also impressed myself because I was only half paying attention to what I was doing the whole time because I had the TV on. I am not one to sit here and tell you all of the steps I went through to make it.  All I will say is that it was not made from a box mix and I also made the frosting.

Baking and cooking just reminds me of how much I miss creatively creating things.  I miss building furniture. I miss building models for architecture.  I miss drawing.  All of that has been put on the back burner as I analyze the Hebrew grammar of Isaiah 40:1-11 or write my thoughts on core doctrines of Christianity or simply because I have to read 1000 pages of Jonathan Edwards. I have been sitting in the intellectual hunt for a long time now and I really want to get out to stretch my creative muscles. I don’t mean to complain just realizing that when I make a cake I get to taste its wonderful goodness but in the real world I really don’t get my cake and eat it too.

What Dreams DO Come…

So it has come to my attention that I have not updated my blog in quite some time.  The truth of the matter is that I just completely forgot about it.  Oh well I shall just talk to you guys about what is on my mind.

Dreams are a creepy thing to me anymore because they tend to show me what I am avoiding in my life.  Last night I had a disturbing dream which felt real (as those who have seen Inception know that dreams give you that feeling).  The thing I hate about dreams that seem like I am in reality fool you into feeling emotions you have buried either intentionally or unintentionally.  This dream reminded me of an ex and the pain I bare because of that relationship.  No matter how long it has been since you lose someone you care about they tend to always be with you in some way.  My subconscious likes to remind me that I am still carrying a lose around with me.  We mourn when someone leaves us.  We cry we break things or we just simply sit on the couch with an attempt to avoid the world.  Whatever your way of mourning we do it and desperately want to move on.  The issue is we really don’t get to decide when we are done.  We can try to act like we are over someone or something but maybe we have just hidden that emotion inside.  Patience, faith and hope have never been strong in me.  Each one I have to work hard to have, which of course is very frustrating when I want to be done with a sad point in my life.  The truth is that emotions cannot be dealt with in such a rush manner like we as American’s do with everything else in our lives.  Emotions only heal over their own determined time and some will always be hurt.  We just learn to live with the pain.

Orange Ball of Fire

I saw the sunrise this morning.  I just stood in the middle of my living room/kitchen/dining room and watched the bright pink orange yellow ball of fire break through the light dusting of cloud cover.  I literally stopped in the middle of my morning tasks to just stand there.  In those brief moments of the early morning one thing came to mind, “Today is a new day.”  It is a NEW day.  Now why do I call it new since most of my life is filled with the same methodical tasks day in and day out.  Honestly we could argue it is just a copy of yesterday.  Not a lot of people who work in cubicle world rush into work wondering what surprise they will find out today.  No, if you work in a cubicle you are assuming it is going to be the same type of day as yesterday (A whole lot of staring at a computer and some small talk throughout the day).  The days tend to meld together kind of like driving through a neighborhood which only has three types of designed houses.  You turn a corner and this street looks exactly like the last one.  A sense of apathy sets in that nothing in your life will change.

I saw the sunrise this morning and it reminded me it is a NEW day.  All the assumptions that today would be the same as all the rest seemed to melt away.  Have you ever watched the sunrise?  No two rises seem to look the same.  The colors never seem exactly the same.  Each new rising of the sun seems to have its own unique flair.  This doesn’t just apply to my day but my heart.  Just as my days tend to feel the same my sinful heart weighs on me and makes me feel like I am trapped in an endless cycle of corruption and death.  Then I see the sunrise and am reminded of a man on a cross.  I am reminded of the hope he has brought to the world.  I am reminded of the love he has brought to the world.  I am reminded of the salvation He has brought to the world.  I see the sunrise and know I am not trapped in some endless cycle because today is a NEW day.

Ponderings on Suffering

“Well at least you found out now instead of later.”  This is the singular advice I got repeatedly when life hit rock bottom for me over a year ago.  It had to do with a broken engagement and a lot of pain.  People were kind and tried their best to comfort me but I have to be honest this piece of advice did nothing for me.  In fact in many ways it made me feel stupid.  Now I want to let people reading this understand that I know their hearts were in the right place but no matter what advice they gave me I would have hated it.  Sitting in sadness and pain you are just trying to hold yourself together.  When the pain is fresh your not ready for any rational pieces of advice or comfort.  All that is before a person is weeping and trying to make themselves get out of bed in the morning.  As I reflect on those dark times I come to a revelation.  The two singular things done for me that helped were close friends hurting with me and others letting me know I was not alone.

I am blessed with many close friends.  My roommate is one in particular. When all this mess was going on he would sit with me and let me cry.  He would not try to tell me how to feel better or why this was better for my life.  He would just sit and let me be.  This seems like your doing nothing but what happens is that your doing everything.  When Jewish families would have mourning for a death in the family they would gather in the house and sit together.  There was no talking but just the collective love and affection of going through the pain together.  See what is hard for all of us is to let ourselves feel helpless with the person in suffering.  We want to fix it and make it better.  We want to make them happy because to many of us this is showing love.  What I discovered is that the true act of love is when you let go of what you want for your friend and willingly enter into this pain they are going through with them.  When you have another who cries with you or just sits with  you and amazing thing happens hope appears.

I was also encouraged by classmates and sometimes people I barely knew who would share their stories of going through the same series of events.  This just reinforced the idea I was not alone.  Isn’t it interesting that when suffering comes you think your the only one going through it?  When your surrounded by others that lie is easier to disbelieve and hope appears.

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3–5 ESV)

Now I could not fathom this a year ago.  I can now though.  I can look at these words by Paul and understand something about how suffering produces endurance or perseverance.  I can witness to it in my own life.  I can visibly see the character that has changed in me.  I can see the hope that surrounds me.  But I could not do it then when I was in the middle of ground zero.  See theological ideas are great.  They are true understandings about God’s character but when your in the middle of suffering it just looks like silliness.  What Paul is trying to illustrate to the Roman church is that suffering is actually love from God because in this a person develops closer to their creator.  This may sound crazy to many but think about it.  When everything is good and great you rely on yourself.  Your focus is on other things.  But when calamity happens how do you develop?  I workout 3 times a week with a very good friend of mine and the only way to develop is to physically hurt ourselves.  We lift muscles, run sprints and do everything to breakdown our muscles so they develop.  Our lives are no different development comes through pain.  That is why I can look at this text and connect.  I am not saying I am all big crazy smiles all the time.  I still feel pain from this but I do find comfort now in what scripture teaches and the advice I am given.  The dark does not last forever… just likes to make you feel that way.

Brain Overload

There is a lot going on in my brain at the moment.  My mind is filled with thoughts of school, work, family, finances, and ministry.  Oh and I should not forget the random thoughts of who would win a battle if Superman and Wolverine got into a fight.  Some days are harder than others to keep life focused in the right direction.  When all these things swirl in my brain I begin to get concerned… worried … and downright anxious.  How can I deal with all this stuff?  How can it all get done or be taken care of?  I become overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.  I try so hard to do everything on my own.

                Yesterday I did something I keep telling others to do.  I took a day off.  I have deadlines and work that needs to get done ASAP but I stopped yesterday.  I enjoyed a book by the window of my 5^th story apartment and felt the cool breeze blow in as I laid on the couch.  I let myself decompress a little and when I do that somehow I see what is important.  Many of us say we don’t have time to just lay and do apparently nothing.  I know I tend to be one of those individuals but we have to do it.  The reason is that in the middle of all the chaos and confusion how can you look at anything truly objectively?  In football when a play is performed it seems like a jumble of chaotic blocks and throws.  The truth is that there is a lot of down time organizing and coming up with that play.  There are couches in the offices reviewing tapes that can be slowed down in order to figure out the best way to perform that play. 

                In the moment of chaos it is hard for me to make the right decisions.  Honestly, I usually shut down when I look at all the things required of me and there just doesn’t seem like enough time.  It helps though when I stop take a few moments and breathe.  Life is not about working 24/7 on maximum speed.  The body and mind need a break to recharge.  We all need to be reminded of why we do the things we do. Why does an architect devote so much time and money to build a building that changes all of his design work when they actually build the building?  Why does a teacher spend so much time grading papers and preplanning when the kids just don’t seem to listen?  Why does a minister devote so much of his time to his church only to get dismissed a month later?  In every job there are hard and difficult work which makes a person feel like it is not worth it.  We need breaks to remind ourselves why we do it.  It reminds us why we fight so hard for something when it seems to cost us so much

Seize the… what?

I hate the realization that I did not “seize the day” (as it may be phrased) in opportunities that did not last.  Let my phrase this in a more concrete example.  It is like when you’re dating someone and break up realizing, “oh wait, that was the last time I will kiss or hug that person.  That time a week before the break up … yeah that was the last conversation we will have that made me feel like a couple.”  When you assume something will not end you take it for advantage.  Granted you are not a psychic to know when things will happen before they would happen but I wish I was able to savor some of those moments a little more.  I wish I would live everyday with more appreciation of the people around me or the life I have now.  Instead of just living life waiting for something to happen. I truly want to marinade in the wonderful experiences I do have.  All of this is temporary and fleeting.  I cannot hold onto any of it but hopefully I can have a better mindset to savor the flavor of these days. 

Maybe I could look at life like enjoying an expensive wonderful steak.  When the plate of grilled perfection is put in front of me I know that this plate will be empty soon.  I cut piece after piece consuming every bit in a slower manner than usual because I want to savor this flavor.  When eating a good meal we know it will end thus we don’t mow the food down like a cheap McDonald’s hamburger.  We eat slower and know that the meal will end.  I wish I could look at life in these same terms.  Not that I am negative seeing everything is going to end but that I truly enjoy what is given to me.